Solving Conflicts in Our Marriages

Every marriage is going to have conflict. If you ever find one that doesn’t ever have conflict please send them my way because I’d love to meet them and learn their secret. I’m sure so many couples, marriage therapists and bishops would love to meet them, because they’d be the anomaly. This couple doesn’t exist, because like I said before EVERY marriage has conflict.

Just today I was talking with a coworker about her daughter and the struggles she had in college last year with her soccer coach and how well she’s doing on her team and how happy she is this year. She made the comment that: “The flowers grow after the rain falls.” This got me thinking about conflicts and marriage and how in the moment the conflict feels so painful and horrible, but once you come out of it and you can look back you can see the growth that you both experienced and you can see how the painful conflict was really a chance to learn and come together and because of it you’re a closer couple now.

There are 2 types of conflicts that happen in marriages: solvable and perpetual. Solvable problems seem to be less painful, less intense and are focused on a single situation, without any background conflict to add fuel to your conflict. A perpetual problem is one that despite continually working on it, you just can’t seem to figure it out; you feel rejected by your partner because of the problem; there is no fun to the conversation and in the end you’re distancing yourselves from each other over this problem.

Now that we’ve established that every marriage has conflict and what the types of conflict they fall into, what can we do about it when it happens?

John Gottman is his book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work gives some helpful advice on this topic. He call them: “The Keys to Managing Conflict” page 156

The Keys to Managing Conflict

·         Negative emotions are important

Take the time to listen to each other and hear the negative emotions that the other is feeling. This is a very hard things to do, but is very import to do. Be gentle with one another. “Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.” Gottman, page 157

·         No one is right

“There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective one.” Gottman, page 157. You both have your feelings and opinions and both are fair and true, and neither is better or more right then the other.

·         Acceptance is crucial

It is absolutely critical that we believe that we are accepted. If a spouse doesn’t feel accepted by their spouse they will not be able to help make any changes.

·         Focus on fondness and admiration

Seek for and acknowledge the things your spouse does that you admire them for. This can go a long way in soften hearts and helping to make healing after conflict gentler for everyone. Remember the ratio is 5 positive to 1 negative comments for a happy marriage.

 These 4 keys are helpful for both types of conflict. Gottman then goes into further detail of how to work through solvable problems in marriages. Let’s take a closer look at those now.

1.       Soften your start-up

2.       Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3.       Soothe yourself and each other

4.       Compromise

5.       Dealing with emotional Injuries

I think the biggest tip Gottman gave to help us work through our solvable problems, or really any problems is this: “Treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company.” Page 161 Yikes, that may have hit you somewhat hard. Have you ever found yourself speaking harshly to your spouse, then turning around and talking kindly to a guest? Think about that. We treat the one’s close to us poorly, and treat those farther from us better. We should be treating everyone with respect and kindness-no just our guests. Think about that as you work through these 5 steps. Have good Manners.

1.       Soften your start-up

If you start your conversation in a harsh way, you might as well stop the conversation because the conversation is dead right then. You’ve already set the tone to be a defensive, NOT good mannered, polite, respectful one. If you can’t start with a soft start-up, then take a breather, work it out in your head and start again when you can start with a softer start-up.

This will probably take some practicing. I know I’ve asked for do-overs or restarts because I didn’t start a conversation the kindest. It takes respect from both of us to wipe the slate clean and come back with an open mind a little bit later, start with a softer start-up but it makes a world of difference.

2.       Learn to make and receive repair attempts

We laugh a lot in our marriage. We laugh because it relieves stress and frustration, but also because we like to be happy together. But there are times that we can’t laugh and one of us needs to do something to repair what has happened. Repair attempts can look very different in every marriage. The important thing is that they happen and that when they happen to you, that you are open and accepting of them because marriage is hard, things happen and in the end we all want to be happy.

3.       Sooth yourself and each other

When we get upset and we’re in the midst of a conflict our bodies get put on high alert and it’s sometimes hard to get them to settle down. When you get this way it’s best to say “Let’s take a break and cool off.” Then go that take a 20-30 minutes break. Did you know that it take men’s bodies longer to cool off after an argument, then it does a women’s body? I seem to take longer to chill out then my husband so I must really get worked up and he must stay pretty chill the whole time! Find a way to calm yourself, and even find a way that you can calm each other down so that you can have the tough talks while staying calm through them. Yoga, massage, meditation, favorite relaxation place, warm bathtub together sounds good to me.

4.       Compromise

This isn’t about one person giving in and changing all their ways for the other person. Rather is both of your giving a little here and taking a little there until you can both come to a common ground. You both are going to need to stretch and will be uncomfortable in some places, and feel comfortable in other places. This should feel mutually aggregable and neither of you should feel like you just gave up a leg while the other one just gained an extra arm in the process.

5.       Dealing with Emotional Injuries

When there is conflict, there is emotional injury. Remember to go back and find the damage and take care of it. If it is left it will resurface and fester and could turn back into a problem. Give it some good old fashion TLC. Heal the damage as best as you can together so that you can truly move on and not have this sore from the past resurface when the scab gets ripped off.

I hope that this has helped you to feel like you have the tools in your tool belt to help with the conflict that comes into your marriage to help strengthen you and to not let these conflicts fester and weaken your marriage. Conflict really can be the rainbow after the rainstorm.