Intimacy & Fidelity in Marriage

Sexuality seems to be a subject that in the LDS culture is taboo to talk about, especially in the youth programs. When it is spoken about you hear mostly about the don’ts and they negative consequences of what will happen if you cross the lines and become sexual active before marriage. These lessons are not meant to scare youth into thinking that sexuality is a bad thing, but unfortunately they tend to do that in many instances and those feelings are held onto into marriage which can negatively affect how one or both partners feel about sexuality in their marriage. If this has occurred then even after a couple is married they may be fighting against negative feeling about being intimate with their spouse.

I found an interesting quote in Sean Brotherson talk “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage” that goes well with my thoughts so far: “President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the First Presidency, wrote the following about sexual intimacy in his book You and Your Marriage:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” “ (Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 73, 76; emphasis added)

This quote to me talks about how we shouldn’t come to marriage only knowing the don’ts about sexuality intimacy, but that we should know what the do’s are. We should know that sexual intimacy in marriage is a beautiful thing that Heavenly Father created for husbands and wives to bring children into the world and for husbands and wives to shows their deepest love for one another.

            Growing up sexual intimacy was not a topic we spoke of in my house. My husband heard even less about it growing up the oldest of 4 boys. He knew very little about the female reproductive system, so imagine his great surprise when his wife got her 1^st period! On our wedding night my mom, very sheepishly and secretly handed me a bottle of lubricating jelly and told me “You’ll need this”. That was the only instruction or talk about intimacy either of us got. We were the 1^st married in either of our families. I was just shy of 19, he was just shy of 22 and both had grown up in very closed mouth LDS families, where our youth lessons had been the don’ts of sexual intimacy. It took us years of discomfort, not knowing how to quite talk about how we felt about what was going on and why we felt to strange about of intimacy to really feel close to each other in this area of our marriage. We can joke now 18 years later that our intimate relationship went backwards because we’re more intimate now then we were in the beginning as newlyweds, but back in the yearly years it wasn’t a joking matter and it was very hard to deal with. I felt that something was wrong, I didn’t know how to fix it and I didn’t know how to talk about it or who to talk to about it.

            This is not what the Lord want for a married couple. He wants us to be as one in all areas. Sexual intimacy is a wonderful way that a married couple can become closer to one another and share a bond then they can in any other way.

            “In my work as a marriage counselor, I have found that there are some couples who feel that sexuality should be restricted to one dimension—reproduction. Yet President Kimball has said: “We know of no directive from the Lord that proper sexual experiences between husbands and wives need be limited totally to the procreation of children.” (Ensign, Oct. 1975, p. 4.) While creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity.

On the other hand, there are couples who seem to feel that the only reason for sexuality is physical gratification. These people become so obsessed with the achievement of sensation that the emotion of love is all but forgotten. Still others use sexuality as a weapon or a bargaining tool. This is not only a misuse of a God-given privilege, it shows great selfishness on the part of one or both partners and makes sexuality a destructive rather than a unifying element in marriage.” They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage Brent A. Barlow, page 2

One last thing I wanted to talk about is fidelity in our marriages. I feel that a lot of times that people think that they’re being faithful to their spouse because they’re not being intimate with another person, but infidelity doesn’t have to just be physical intimacy. It can happen in many different forms and in many different stages.

            Emotional Infidelity I think could be the easiest way that spouses can fall victim to infidelity. From here it can progress to sexual infidelity if it is not stopped. This can occur when our thoughts become focused on someone other than your spouse. This doesn’t happen quickly, but rather very gradually. It starts with talking with a person of the opposite gender. You start to tell them things you normally would tell your spouse and you start to rely on them for the emotional support that you should be seeking from your spouse. When you do this it can weaken trust and shatter peace of mind between you and your spouse. Imagine you’re talking with your spouse and you say the other person’s name instead of your spouse, or you talk about the other person and how much they help you rather than your spouse. That would be so hurtful to your spouse, and would weaken their trust in you that you’re not being fully faithful and truthful to them. It will also create distance between yourself and your spouse as your relying on this other person for the emotional support that you should be seeking from your spouse.

            If you realize that you are in an emotional relationship with someone of the opposite gender like this, please end it now. For the sake of your marriage, walk away. Turn to your spouse. They are the person you should be sharing your thoughts and feeling with, not this other person. Tell your spouse what has been going on, ask them for forgiveness and for patience and show them through your love and honestly and through time that you are willing to change and turn toward them. It won’t be easy for either of you. Trust will have been broken, feelings will be damaged, but they can be mended and restored. You can overcome emotional infidelity and make your marriage even stronger.

            As you can see sexual intimacy isn’t a subject that should be kept under the rug, or something we should be afraid to talk about. It is a beautiful gift that Heavenly Father has given to us not only for procreation, but to help couples show their deepest love for one another. It is also something that we need to guard and be watchful of that we don’t open ourselves to have feelings for others which would pull us away from our spouses.