Friendship in marriage

Marriage is such a lovely institution, yet it is such a hard thing to keep in balance. John Gottman says that in a balanced marriage that for every negative comment one spouse says to the other, they must say 5 positive things. He continues on to say that in marriages that lead to divorce that the balance of positive to negative comments are way off balance with it being 8 negative comments to every 1 positive comment.

He talks about a “set point” that every marriage has. If the marriage is continually filled with positive comments, then the set point is fairly high and a negative comment will not set the marriage off balance very easily. If the marriages “set point” is very low because it normally has negative comments, then a negative comment can set the marriage off balance quite easily.

Gottman has done some very interesting research into what makes marriages work and what tears them apart. He can tell within 15 minutes of listening to a couple talk if their marriage will be one that stays together or falls apart. There are six signs that he uses that helps him tell if the marriage is going to last or not, one of these steps includes the four horseman.

Before I talk about the six steps Gottman says that a marriage that is strong and continues to work is one that is built on a deep and caring friendship. A friendship where spouses look out for each other and for their well-being. Each of the spouses know what the others likes and dislikes are. They check on each other throughout the day when they know things are going on for the other, they make a special point to do kind things for the other when the other is having a hard time. “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” (John Gottman, page 22 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

I want to talk about these steps so you can know what to look for and what you can do to avoid a divorce. What I want for you, and myself is a strong, happy marriage. Don’t let these scare you.

The First Sign: Harsh Start Up.

When a conversation starts off harsh, it’s a clear sign right off that the conversation is bound for failure. It’s best to stop the conversation, take a breather and start again when you can start the conversation on a positive note.

The Second sign: The Four Horseman

                Horseman 1: Criticism. This expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other person’s character or personality.

Horseman 2: Contempt. A form of disrespect when a person has a sense of superiority over one’s partner. This can also be a classified as belligerence which is a form of aggressive anger because it contains a threat or provocation towards your spouse.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness. A way of blaming your spouse and putting the problem on them instead of taking the blame for your part in the problem.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling. One spouse complete disengages from the other. There is no talking, looking at, they put up a wall and ignore the other spouse.

“When the four horsemen have taken up permanent residence… They have given up.” (Gottman, page 44)

“The presence of the four horsemen alone predicts divorce with an 82 percent accuracy rate.” (Gottman, page 45)

               

The Third sign: Flooding

                The usually occurs along with stonewalling because the spouse that has just stonewalled was completed ambushed by the attack from their spouse and they are feeling so overwhelmed, or flooded with what just came at them that they shut them out, or stonewall them as a way to block them out to avoid it from occurring again. This is done as a defense against another ambush coming at them from their spouse.

                The fourth sign: Body language

There are many physical body signs that manifest with physiological readings. These include the heart rate speeding up, hormonal changes like adrenaline secretion, blood pressure increasing. When our bodies are feeling the fight or flight response it’s hard to feel comfortable and have a healthy calm conversation. When we start to feel this way often with our spouse it feels that we are in danger and this isn’t a productive way to talk with our spouse and it leads down a dark path.

                The Fifth sign: Failed Repair Attempt

                Repair attempts are when a couple takes a break from the conversation they’re having because they need to calm down, or they say I need to step away and chill out for a minute. When couples don’t take the time to calm their bodies downs, or take control of their critical language toward the other they don’t give their relationship the chance that it needs to cool off before trying to repair it, then it leads them a step closer to divorce. If the couple is stuck in a negative loop and they don’t take to repair the damage already done, they will never be able to move towards healing.

                The sixth step: Bad Memories

                This is the step when the couple starts to replace happy memories from the past with negative memories. They remember how they met. They remember the details, but the happy feelings are gone. They find the negative things from the memory to remember now and that’s what they now talk about, not the happy things they used to remember.

The final stage when you know a divorce is drawing near.

1.       The couple can now see that their marital problems are severe.

2.       Talking to each other seems pointless, so they try to solve their problems on their own.

3.       They start to lead parallel lives.

4.       They begin to feel lonely.

After reading this chapter and these signs I felt down and in despair wondering if there was a way for marriages to stay strong and THERE IS and that is to have a strong friendship with your spouse. Gottman says: “The key to reviving or divorce proofing a relationship is not simply how you handle your disagreements but how you engage with each other when you’re not fighting.” (page 51)

Keeping our friendships with our spouses alive and strong is the best way to keep our marriages healthy and strong. Every marriage has hard times, because life is hard, but if you can remember to make sure to work on your relationship and friendship with your spouse it will help you to weather the hard time with much more ease.

Remember I didn’t want to scare you with those six steps. I wanted to give you the information. I think knowing the information gives you the power to make changes in your life. Friendship. Make your friendship with your spouse strong. Do what you need to build it up. Make it strong. Talk to one another. Date one another. Find out what they like. Find out what they don’t like. If they like pancakes, make them pancakes. If they don’t like pancakes-don’t make them. Learn about them and love them the way they like to be loved. My husband is my best friend. Honestly. He texts me to ask how things are going when he knows I had an appointment or something was going on because he knows me. He puts butter on the pan for my pancakes because I like them that way, but he doesn’t do that for the kids because they don’t like them that way. He gets me because he knows me. Know your spouse. Learn about them. Be their friend. It’ll help your marriage. It’ll help your family. It’ll make life so much better.

What you can do.

You can help strengthen your marriage by observing how you interact with your spouse. Keep track of your positive and negative comments for the next few days. How many positive to negative one are there? Is the balance 1 negative to 5 positive which is best for keeping the “set point” of your marriage high? If not, you can set a goal to work on saying more positive comments to your spouse.

Do you find yourself routinely falling victim to the four horsemen. Again observe yourself over the next few days and write down your observations. See where your strengths and weaknesses are regarding your interactions with your spouse and find an area that you feel you can improve on. Set a goal and work on that. In a week or so observe yourself again and see the changes you’ve made and notice how they’ve helped your marriage to be more positive. Let your spouse in on what you’re doing because they are your friend and they will want to cheer for you and encourage you as you strive to strengthen your relationship, friendship and marriage.